CONCORD — The Josiah Bartlett Center for Public Policy today announces its transformation into the Woodrow Wilson Center for State Planning.
After a quarter century offering market-based policy solutions that promoted opportunity, prosperity and liberty for all Granite Staters, the Bartlett Center board concluded that the people don’t really want to be left alone, they just want to rule others with an iron fist forever.
“Turns out the little guy doesn’t really want freedom,” said Drew Cline, the center’s president. “He wants to crush his enemies, drive heretics into the sea, and plunder the rich. So, like everyone else, we’ve decided to exploit those primitive instincts to obtain power and wealth for ourselves and our friends.”
The new Woodrow Wilson Center for State Planning will focus on manipulating the people’s tribal impulses to create resentment of the wealthy, using that resentment to obtain power for a small cabal of intellectuals, then rearranging all of society into a people’s utopian collective ruled by the smartest people.
The center’s new mission statement is “To rule wisely and benevolently. But mostly wisely. According to us.”
Its new motto is “Shut up! We’re in charge!”
The Woodrow Wilson Center for State Planning will be divided into four divisions to research policies that will force the greatest progress on the people in the shortest amount of time. They are:
- The Genghis Khan Institute for Cultural Domination
- The Karl Marx Institute for Manipulating Class Resentment
- The Hugo Chavez Academy for Industrial Management
- The Bernie Sanders Society for the Creation of Eccentric Utopian Schemes
“Granite States have always prized freedom and prosperity over dictatorial control by their intellectual betters,” Cline said. “Fools! When they witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational think tank, they’ll realize their mistake and welcome the rule of their benevolent overlords. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll nationalize The Beach Plum and win their loyalty with free fried fish.*”
* Limit one haddock bite and fry per family per week. All families must work one shift per week to qualify.
** If you fell for this, maybe you really do need to be ruled by an intellectual superior.